Let Me Sing You A Waltz...

India, Here I Come....

I am grinning from ear to ear now. :) If everything goes according to plan, I will be in india in 2 weeks! I am delighted to bits I must say.

The best part of it all is this - I will be spending 10 days at a lovely guesthouse in Pondicherry :). The 2 month travel will also take me to Villupuram, Kanchipuram, Mamallapuram, Thiruvannamalai, Velliangiri Hills (Isha Centre), Thanjavur, Madurai, Rameswaram, Dhanushkodi, and of course, Chennai. YIPPEE!

A huge part of me is elated, no doubt. But a part of me will ache for sure, when I land in India. The part that headed there 4 months ago with a childlike joy that can never reclaim itself, no matter how many more trips I make to India.

So, India will remain to me a land of irony - one that brings out the bliss in me which I can, alas, only relish with a nagging ache in my heart...

He Captures Their Souls...

The discovery of digital cameras has helped bring the best out of the unlikeliest of photographers. I am one of those. I love photography but I know absolutely nothing about the technicalities of it all. And yet, I do have a selection of pictures that I can (with a little hesitation) call my own...not with too much pride, but with the humble satisfaction of a true amateur :)

In the field of travel photography and writing, what sets the guru apart from the amateur is the former's genius to produce works that create within the reader/viewer a nagging desire to drop whatever he/she is doing and visit the place in question at the next possible instance.

A day ago, as I was seriously browsing the net for information on Tamil Nadu, I came across Oochappan.

What can I say - ever since then, I have returned to his site again and again, countless times. Viewing his works has made me wish I could prepone my travel plans, and on a brighter side, it has assured me that I have made the best decision of my life thus far, to spend the next 2 months travelling amidst the colourful lives that Oochappan's genius has captured.

Oochappan is a Belgian, I believe :)

Visit http://www.trekearth.com/members/oochappan/ to know more about this man, who captures the souls of the people he photographs, not just their images.

Taking That First Step...

"You may wonder, 'How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?' The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the 'same old thing.' What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river" (Steven Foster)

I have this dream...

I am not sure if the word "dream" would do justice to describe the intensity of this desire of mine. Afterall, it's been burning within me since I was 14...

And it looks like that dream is now not too far away from my reach. Yet, I am fully aware that it's but a stepping stone...towards a world of experiences waiting out there for me.

I feel like a child about to take my first step. But unlike a child who probably does not have the ability to stop and think about the next fall that's in store, this state of being aware (that I find to be a curse of being an adult) that I am in makes me wonder about my upcoming share of falls. Afterall, can any journey be complete without its fair share of "bruises and bumps". But I do know that with each fall, or at the onset of one...I would look up to find the hand of "the man above" reaching out to lift me up.

When I first learned to cycle, I was 19. Before my first lesson, I reminded myself that there was absolutely no way I could eventually cycle with ease untill I have had my fair share of falls. And fall I did. Again and again...till one day, it seemed possible to cycle for 3 seconds without falling off it. The 3 seconds stretched to 6, 10, and eventually, one day, I fell no more.

As I am about to venture out into the world all by myself, I am reminded once again of my cycling lessons. Only this time, I know I cannot stop with each fall. I must reach for the "hand" believing it will always be there for me...raise myself up...and continue. I can't hope to "call it a day", push the cycle back home to engage myself with less bumpier activities, consoling myself that I can choose not to go for a ride the next day.

This time round, the "ride" must go on...until I reach "the" destination - the way to which I know not of, the path of which is not for me to dictate...

The Maturing of An Actor...

Not one to watch interviews with actors, I ended up glued to my seat for nearly an hour, when during my usual channel-surfing, I saw the image of actor Karan being interviewed on Sun tv early this morning.

I started admiring his acting skills when I first watched Karupusamy Kuthagaitharar in bits and pieces. The storyline did not impress me as much as Karan's natural acting skills did. The heroine did not at all shine. In fact, the only role I saw her playing was that of a young woman whose longing brought the best out of Karan, the actor.

Must admit he is looking much better these days, sporting a trim figure, not to mention a cool looking goatee. Physical mundanity aside, Karan does seem to have a good head on his shoulders. Obviously passionate about being an actor for the right reasons, Karan spoke very confidently during the interview - with the authority of an actor who has lately displayed remarkable acting skills, and yet with the humility of one who knows where he stands in the film industry. His views and convictions spoke well for the maturity he obviously has loads of.

It's a nice feeling watching an actor mature and shift from being annoying to likeable. When I first watched him in Nammavar, I could not help harbouring a deep dislike for him (probably goes to prove that he had done a great job even then). Later as he donned common roles, I completely stopped noticing his presence/roles in the movies he acted. But it's refreshing to note that Karan has grown with experience to stand tall today as an actor whose movies leave an indelible mark on viewers.

That which we fear is ironically also that which we cannot not love...

Rituals have never been my cup of tea. When I was little, and when doctors were seeked only when you fell terribly ill, the thought of my amma taking me to visit local "healers" itself would scare my common fevers and flus into oblivion.

People in trance send a fear down my spine...even at this age. And till this day I still dread the thought of having to face a kavadi-bearer whenever I am forced to attend a religious festival. Now, you must understand that it's not out of disrespect that I dread them so. It's plain fear - the kind children have of burly looking men with thick moustaches that indian mothers often point at to threaten their children into finishing their meals. Yeah - that kind of childlike fear.

And yet, each time I watch this scene, tears of adoration would form in my eyes. And yeah, I do know that Padmini was not the real Goddess Shakti, and unlike the aunty who lives a few doors away who appears to think that the dramatic scenes depicted in tamil serials are continuing even while she is quickly running over to my house to seek a second opinion on them from my mother, I do know that movies (especially devotional ones) are often exaggerated versions of what we believe to be religious myths.

And yet, I become mesmerised whenever I watch this song scene. I am pretty sure I have not seen or heard anything much more divinely haunting than this in my entire life, and I am certain that even 20 years down the road, this song and scene would still send tears from my eyes, and (ironically) a trance-like shiver down my spine.

Aval Oru Thodarkathai...

The first time I heard this song, I was no more than 10. Of course, at that age, my not relating to the song was nothing surprising. The second time I watched the movie and the song scene, I must have been in my 20s. Then too, it seemed just like another good song, one that reflected on the life of a woman who did not seem real to me. Nevertheless, a good song, I thought.

It was only when I heard it again in my mid 30s did I realise...that such women do exist, and that sometimes, stories depicted in movies and songs are really stories of people like you and I...stories of real people, with real stories to tell, and real lives to live...

The "Spiritual Quest" of Three Brothers...

I stumbled upon this movie as I was aimlessly walking around in a video store this morning. Just finished watching it a while ago. A delightful movie, I must say. A wonderful way to meaningfully spend a lazy saturday evening...

Blinded by Ignorance...

I had always prided myself on being a caring, conscientious person. Today, I realised otherwise.

I was selecting a photograph among the ones I had taken during my recent trip to Srisailam, India. My heart nearly stopped when I zoomed into the picture below for the first time since I took it.




While I was busy snapping away, feeling all grand and elevated that I was this "different and realised" woman who saw beauty in the most simplest of people (the tendency to feel that you are interestingly different tends to overwhelm even the most sensible person when you are in remote parts of india where people who live simple, unaffected lives look at you - the tourist with a huge camera hanging around her neck - in amazed interest), I was blinded by my own ignorance and subconscious arrogance to not notice that the man facing my camera was not watching my antic in all calmness, but instead was asking me for some money through his upturned palm. I remember walking away after that utterly delighted with myself for having taken an interesting photograph. I wonder now if I even turned back to look at the man...

Honestly, I did not think I had so much of ignorance in me, till now.I just feel sick with myself after I realised that a while ago. That moment busted all the ego I had in me till then, and gave me a totally different perspective of life.

I wish I could return to that moment, and give that man what he wanted that could have given him a little joy, momentary though it could have been...

Words of Wisdom On Joy & Misery...

Delicious Ambiguity...

I wanted a perfect ending...
Now, I've learned the hard way
that some poems don't rhyme,
and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.
Life is about not knowing,
having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it,
without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious ambiguity.

Gilda Radner, 1946-1989
American Comedienne

I Stand Alone...

I know the sound of each rock and stone
And I embrace what others fear
You are not to roam in this forgotten place
Just the likes of me are welcome here

Everything breathes and I know each breath
For me it means life
For others it's death
It's perfectly balanced
Perfectly planned
More than enough for this man

Like every tree stands on its own
Reaching for the sky I stand alone
I share my world with no one else
All by myself
I stand alone

I've seen your world with these very eyes
Don't come any closer, don't even try
I've felt all the pain and heard all the lies
But in my world there's no compromise

Like every tree stands on its own
Reaching for the sky I stand alone
I share my world with no one else
All by myself I stand alone
All by myself I stand alone
All by myself I stand alone

I Found Myself This Afternoon...

I found myself this afternoon...

I stopped suddenly ,
and stepped into the back of my mind,
and sat there quietly
watching myself,
all still,
staring into space,
thinking how life would now be.
Now that I,
(the "I" that's being watched )
am standing
at the crossroads of life.

That was when
I realised
that that was not I,
no,
that was she,
she whom I can do without,
she who is within me only due to familiarity.
I realised then,
that I am no more she,
and that I am this new being,
who has the awareness to step within,
as and when it (as genderless as this being within is) wishes,
and observe life as an outsider.

I clasped my hands then,
in deep gratitude,
to the one above.
in deep awareness,
of the greatness above.
I saw then, within me,
a part of Him,
that would from now on be always there,
guarding me with all its greatness,
embracing me in all its awareness.

Indeed I have found myself this afternoon...

The First Sorrow - Rabindranath Tagore

So Much In So Little...

I have read one of his whodunits (Feluda stories). I have heard my brothers rave over him when I was a teenager. I have read, in a glance, about the man's greatness.

But only today did I actually watch a clip from his critically-acclaimed Pather Panchali (Song of the Road). Of course I have heard of the Apu Trilogy and have always longed to watch them. But coming from a country like Malaysia where access to quality-driven art movies (especially ones from India) is almost impossible, I have not had the luxury thus far. And so you can imagine my elation when I came across the clip below on youtube. What can I say? I have never seen so much in so little in my 39 years of existence...

A Glimpse of The Divine...