Late last night, we placed our mother next to the man with whom she once spent 45 years with... the man who married her when she was a mere 18 year old, and he a mature 30 year old. The man who fathered us 6 children, and whom we knew as our appa because she pointed at him and told us so.
There is a famous prayer we were raised on - maatha pitha guru deivam. Maathaa (mother) is the ultimate truth, we were told by those who explained the prayer, for she is the source from which we come into this world. Pitha (father) comes second in your mental registration, after the bond between the mother and child is created, although he is the very cause of your formation in your mother's womb. Then comes Guru (the teacher/guide) who feeds your mind with knowledge and who directs you to the guide of your lifetime, Deivam (god).
My maathaa and pithaa have both moved on now, having played their roles to perfection, and having given us all they possibly could have. Much to my surprise, their absence in my life has created a hole deep within me - a hole in which emptiness alone is apparent. How do I fill that hole...what would I fill it with...I have no clue whatsover.
Today, I came across a keertanam my father used to sing whenever he practised on his harmonium. It brought back memories of my father's face - the way he would close his eyes as he floated in ecstasy relishing the meaning of the lyrics, and the beauty of its music. Vatapi Ganapathim was his favourite, I believe, for he practised it almost all his life. It's been 7 years since my father left us, but I did not feel his loss as much all these years until amma too passed on recently. I suppose, amma quickly took over his place, since she was always the more vocal one of the two, or perhaps it was a conscious attempt on her part to not make us grieve too much for him.
Now that she too has left, who would do that for us, I wonder.
I may be an adult, an independent 39 year-old who had outgrown the clingy phase, but with her, I had always felt like the kid I once was - the one whose most comforting 'chair' was her mother's sarong, the one who followed her mother around wherever she went...the one who believed that her mother's presence was the only reality in life that would last a lifetime.
Last nite, my father reclaimed that reality from me, taking her away from us and placing her next to him, standing next to her majestically, as he did the day he held her hand and made her his own.
I am one who believes that everything told by our forefathers have profound meanings attached to them, and while misrepresentation over the years has maligned many a beautiful practice/saying preached by them, I believe that if only one attempts to understand them from the core of his/her being, the true meanings will unravel themselves almost instantly. In that note, I believe that the questions that I had been asking myself since the day my mother passed away, have now found a hint of an answer from the "maatha pithaa guru deivam" prayer I quoted earlier.
Indeed, the man above works in ways that are beyond us all...
Although not exactly related to the content of this post, I have decided to go ahead and post the video of the famous keertanam I came across today...for it was this very keertanam that made me return to my childhood to relive a part of the life I once shared with my dear father and mother, and gave me inspiration to write this post.
