A slip of my hand while driving and I ended up playing a CD I have not heard for a long time. Bangalore Ramani Ammal. I was said to have sung her songs when I was about 3 or 4, when I could hardly speak well. I suppose she must have had quite an impact on me then - at that age when vibes are at their strongest and are accepted wholeheartedly without interference of the ever analytical human mind.
Even till today, the woman's songs send an unexplainable sensation into my being (and no, I don't go into a trance as a result, just in case anyone is wondering :) ). She had this amazing voice - almost genderless I would say (not that I know what I mean exactly by that) and had the facial expression of a no-nonsense saree-clad headmistress.
(To slightly sidetrack, let me tell you that the "saree-clad" bit is necessary seeing where I come from - here in Malaysia, saree-clad teachers or headmistresses are always a sight to behold...most (being Chinese or Malays) would be in a dress or the "malay baju kurung/kebaya". In fact, teachers teaching in non-Thamizh schools hardly ever use saree to work these days. But when I was a kid, an indian teacher almost always wore a saree...complete with their bare midriff inviting the constant popping-out of eyes of the non-Indian students. Of course after a while, the Chinese and Malay students became used to the bare flesh and made less fuss...)
The one in the video was the older Ramani Ammal, I presume...she seemed to have lost some weight compared to the plump, glowing Ramani Ammal I knew (not in person of course) when I was a little kid.
All said and done, what an amazing singer she was. Classic to the core, and almost irreplaceable I must say.
If You're out there listening to me, Pray tell me which part of my misery excites You?
So I ignore You sometimes - so what? That gives You the excuse to ignore me too? So who is the wiser of us two - I wonder? I am stupid and I make mistakes. And You - the wise one - let me? I fall, You laugh and then You help me up. And when I am not watching, You push me again?
Some Father You are...
Whatever happened to unconditional love, I wonder? I love you, don't I, despite my tantrums? I greet you every morning from my car, don't I? That ain't enough for You? So what is it that You really want from me? Me all prostrated in front of You?
Do You not know that deep inside me, I never rose from the last time I fell at Your feet... Do You not know, That it is in Your hands alone I believe my life to be...
How then can You watch me suffer thus? How then can You let me fall yet again and again.. and not do anything about it? A hint would suffice You know...
It's that time of my life again (happens quite consistently I must admit) when I take a good look at myself and say, "hey, I don't know you anymore." Looking back at the way I had been behaving lately, I realise that I am losing track of the path I started heading towards some years back.
Distractions? I wouldn't exactly call them that. For one, I am a person who believes that every single incident in life is for some good - eventually. So nahhh...they can't possibly be distractions. Lessons perhaps? I know for a fact that the man above does have a tendency to send them in all shapes and sizes into my life. They'd come splashing into my life drowning me in ecstasy which often blinds me in the process of the reality of their identities. And while HE snugly sits up there watching me with a mocking smile, I would sheepishly fall for the "let's trick her first and teach her later" plan of HIS. Like a perfect fool that I can sometimes be, I would believe HIM, then question HIM, and then believe HIM while not wanting to, and eventually present myself as yet another win in HIS bet of my life.
Sighhhhh. Does HE not have anything better to do, I wonder?
Of course there are times when I am smarter than HE is. :) Times when I quickly pick up the signs of one of HIS games coming up, and stop myself from being dragged into it as a game piece - times when I pull myself back from the temptations with a quick slap in the face . Yeah I do that, literally. Watch me when I drive and you'd be surprised at how many times I do that :) Of course, since it's my own cheek I slap, I do go gentle on them. Not painless-kinda-gentle. But gentle nevertheless :)
But I have not been slapping myself much these days. And that's HIS victory, I suppose.
But I'll have my day soon, my good man...did YOU think that I'd fall every time? Give me more credit than that, will YOU? Did YOU not think that I'd probably have at least one percent of YOUR quick-wittedness? Can a child not have a part of the one who made her?
I'll get YOU some day...YOU can bet my life on it :)
Someone knocked at the door of the Beloved and a voice from within inquired: "Who is there?" He answered, "It is I." And the voice said, "This house will not hold me and thee." So the door remained closed.
Then the lover sped away into the wilderness and fasted and prayed. After a year he returned and knocked again at the door and the voice again demanded: "Who is there?" And the lover said, "It is thou."
There's God in all of us, I used to think. Not for a moment realising, How cynical a statement that was.
That was till I saw, God hopping before me in shining innocence one hot afternoon. With an upturned silver plate shielding her head. And infectious joy dancing in her eyes.
Yes, a girl god she was. Common in your country, you say? Should I add then, That she looked pretty poor too. And of course, perfectly grubby as well, without a single doubt. And if she weren't a god despite all those add-ons, Then I dare say, No god except that which appears bare in your country, can rightly be god from now on.
Ah bliss she seemed to carry in her heart - this little girl god, And the cheeky innocence with which she looked at people, As she went about hopping - Onto the steps, Into the hearts, Of those who cared enough to smile at her. (not that many did)
But did the little girl god care? No sir. In the wisdom that's known to belong to gods alone (size notwithstanding), She pranced away in a mocking smile, At the people gathered there, climbing the steps in religious fervour, People who believed in their belief of god, And that there was god in them.
Keep climbing, losers - her smile said Keep climbing to that peak of falsehood, you believe to be faith. But mark my words, you aimless climbers. Till the day you stop to look - at the little gods who pass your lives, Till then - Neither will you be in me. Nor me in you.
I am a Malaysian Thamizhian woman who writes for a living, and to live. If I ever stopped writing, my life would lose its meaning...and I, in turn, would lose the reason to go on existing...
