Road to Self-Discovery

I started this blog for the purpose of "discovering myself". No, no - not that kind of "discovering" that makes one become more aware of one's hidden skills - and realise eventually that "hey, this could very well become my new career path".

I did not need a blog to tell me that I could write (if the ability to write was the skill I wanted to discover). I had always known that I could. (Please don't get me wrong - there is not a tinge of arrogance in me when i say this). What I wanted this blog to offer me was an outlet to record my thoughts in a not-so-careless manner, which I had lately become so used to, much to my frustration.

I reckoned...knowing full well that my postings could stand a remote chance of being read by another (of course, me being me, I had taken all the neccesary measures to ensure the remoteness of this possibility :) ) would provide the positive pressure required to be watchful of how i wrote, and that I indeed wrote!

That...and the hope that this blog would get me totally "addicted".

Yeap, I said it allright. I needed to come to a stage where I actually believed that I could not go on if I did not write. For, that's how important writing is in my life.

If only I believed it as much as I know it to be true...

When writing is the very reason for my existence, and I shrug it off with my laziness, could there be any greater sin than that, I wonder?

Writing has always been a meditative experience for me. Whenever I write from my heart, I enter this subsconscious state where the one writing using my hands is no longer me. Words would make a foray into my unbridled mind, dropping itself like a missile - an almost guided target. And how sharp their "landing" always are. Upon re-reading, I would marvel at how perfectly the many "blanks" in my sentences were filled with words I had never before used in my life - words I did not even know the meaning to - till then - when they snugly fitted themselves with my other thoughts.

Who "holds" my hand and "writes" for me...I wonder.

(But then again, need i know the answer to that question, I wonder...yet again).

Khalil Gibran wrote this following piece on God in the The Madman.

In the ancient days, when the first quiver of speech came to my lips, I ascended the holy mountain and spoke unto God, saying, "Master, I am thy slave. Thy hidden will is my law and I shall obey thee for ever more..

"But God made no answer, and like a mighty tempest passed away.

And after a thousand years I ascended the holy mountain and again spoke unto God, saying, "Creator, I am thy creation. Out of clay hast thou fashioned me and to thee I owe mine all."

And God made no answer, but like a thousand swift wings passed away.

And after a thousand years I climbed the holy mountain and spoke unto God again, saying, "Father, I am thy son. In pity and love thou hast given me birth, and through love and worship I shall inherit thy kingdom."

And God made no answer, and like the mist that veils the distant hills he passed away.

And after a thousand years I climbed the sacred mountain and again spoke unto God, saying, "My God, my aim and my fulfilment; I am thy yesterday and thou art my tomorrow. I am thy root in the earth and thou art my flower in the sky, and together we grow before the face of the sun."

Then God leaned over me, and in my ears whispered words of sweetness, and even as the sea that enfoldeth a brook that runneth down to her, he enfolded me.

And when I descended to the valleys and the plains, God was there also.